“I have these memories, remnants, that float around my broken space island”

I feel like I’m floating on a broken island deep in outer space. I feel like this pit of darkness is my throne, and no one is here to sit with me. If I’m going to say it, I want to say it without expressions or illusions. I’m sad. I’m abandoned, and there’s people that care about me, but so many people are gone. The pain fades and reemerges, and I wish I didn’t have to take medicine to numb it but it’s pain. Sharp stabs in the stomach, and a cord wrapped around my neck, I can’t breath. Tears won’t fall because there’s no more. It’s all inside, and no one can see it. I can’t see it. Not even a mirror can because I smile back at my reflection, saying everything will be ok. And it will. But at what cost. What am I without people. Do I push them away, or do they push others away because they can’t handle pain. I have these memories, remnants, that float around my broken space island, and I love these memories so much that I smile, and that smile makes me cry, something I can’t do any longer without these memories. I just want to cry. I need these memories to stay, I can’t push them away or else I have no escape.

Jesus, I sound like an emo. This blog is meant to inspire, not spread pain. But I’m happy I wrote that, I was able to cry.

Either way, I don’t know why I feel like this sometimes. So many things, good things, are happening. My life is great, I love my life. I guess Bipolar does make sense, but it’s almost exhausting going back and forth from black to white. I’ll be fine later probably.

Bit of inspiration- Do the that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Deep down, no matter what anyone tells you, you need to do it. If you want to be a hero, be one. I don’t know what I need to do, but I feel it deep down. There’s something there, and I have to do it.

Note– The drawing had a bit of reference work from a picture on google, with most of it being my own creative liberties. The reference I got was just for the pose, but I can’t find the picture on google anymore. Just wanted to note this.

Challenge of Change

I keep getting this feeling that something is coming, as if things are about to change. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, but I’ve already noticed some changes taking place. It seems like I was right. No matter what some people think, I’m not what they think I am.

It turns out that I’ve been dealing with bipolar. And that makes sense, my mom has it severely, my dad… I’m pretty sure he was severely depressed, something I’ve also been dealing with. Look, the truth is I’ve got a lot of things from my parents, but I was never autistic. As much as I love my mom, there’s no convincing her of that. Just recently, I’ve had my therapist confirm that I’m not, and take into account that she’s had a masters in psychology and counseling for over 17 years now. I’ve had oracles and psychics tell me the same thing. School counselors and teachers have expressed the same thoughts I have. I’m not what my mom says I am.

This isn’t about me hating autistic people, or people on the spectrum, it’s nothing like that. In fact, I believe people who have autism or ASD are gifted in many areas, and they make for extraordinary people. But have you ever had a gut feeling about something, as if you knew something without needing the facts or evidence? For me, that’s dialed to 11 in this situation, because I have the facts and confirmations along with my own intuition. And I know I’m different from other people in a lot of ways, but until recently I didn’t know why. That’s where the Bipolar.

I have Bipolar type two, which is the more mild version. Basically you go from having manic episodes, where for days you are extremely happy, productive, creative (You basically love life so much that you can’t sleep for days, literally can’t), to hating everything so much, and I mean so much that you just sit there, not thinking or looking at anything in particular, and you can almost feel what it’s like to die over and over inside.. And it’s uncontrollable, you don’t want to feel terrible, but the thoughts just race so fast, and the feelings that accompany them are so overwhelming. It immobilizes you. That’s when I experience the anxiety and depression. I’ve always looked at bipolar as some crazy thing, as if people with it are lunatics, I mean that’s how it’s portrayed in hollywood, right? No, after learning that I have it, and that the symptoms are now starting to really show, I know what it’s like. Honestly, it feels crazy that I could have it, but it’s a better explanation than autism.

To be honest, I don’t experience the bad symptoms of bipolar to much, but when I do, it’s heavy. But I feel like there’s something more than my mental health that’s changing. Everyone keeps telling me that things are about to change. I don’t know what that means, but whatever it is, that psychic lady must of seen it.

I visited a psychic before I came back to Phoenix from a month long vacation. For half the appointment with her, things were going great. She was friendly, and her cat loved me. But when it got to the questions part, she changed completely. I had to ask about my father. I didn’t get to know him a whole lot, but he died when I was seven. He was a satanist, which isn’t bad, he wasn’t in a cult or anything as far as I know. He just believed in the fact that anyone should be able to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt or effect others. So maybe that’s why he drank, or passed away from a drug overdose. Because he thought it wouldn’t hurt others to abuse himself, to hate the world so much that he left everyone including me behind to face the shit happening today. He was a satanist and was angry, and he wanted to name me Damian Thomas Cusick, six letters per name for 666. It’s funny as hell because I was born under a cross surrounded by nun nurses, at a christian hospital here in Maricopa county, Phoenix. My mom was into witchcraft which makes me feel even more guilty about my whole birth situation. He wasn’t even here for me, but that’s not his fault, I was just born states and states away from him and my mom didn’t want me around him because of the drugs and alcohol.

I got off track. The psychic wouldn’t answer my questions very well about the whole situation. She changed when I even mentioned it, and she started muttering some weird shit about a prophecy which started freaking me out a bit. She told me the world is on fire and that it will only get worse. Even when I’m calm, all I feel is a flame inside my chest just ready to escape. And my mom says I’m an angry person. I mean I try not to be, I don’t want to be my father, but what if I am angry? And what if one day I can’t hold it back any longer, and I let that flame out, burning the world further than it’s already been burned? Why do I feel fire? There’s nothing there except ashes of the past that don’t matter. I’ve already dealt with it. I’m changing, I’m becoming more responsible. I should except the fact that I’ll be average, with a house, a wife, kids, and I should be happy with that. I should be happy.